Often, there are days (like today) that I find myself tethered to the confines of this cubicle feeling as innately perplexed as David After Dentist – wondering “Is this real life? Is this how it’s going to be forever?”
” Will I be a paper-pushin’, caffeine-dependent, corporate slave, FOREVER? Will every creative thought be forever-interrupted by someone else’s expectation (or requirement) of what I should be doing and thinking? Will my outfits always be dictated by acceptable standard and disregard for personal style? How long do I have to mask my capricious nature with one of abiding “professional”? And how long can I continue suppressing the boiling rage inside from evaporating into a thick film of resentment and desperation?”
What’s a girl to do? I’ve got bills, ‘mon!
Most of all, I suppose there’s that expectation to live up to… You know, the expectation that I (along with everyone I’ve ever known) will grow up to have “everything I’ve ever wanted,” as long as I “work for it.”
Convention has taught us that value in life comes from attaining stature and material possessions through labor, but as the youngest person I know with right to boast having independently acquired all the traditional beacons of wealth.. a college education, a condo, a car made of American muscle, trips abroad, etc.. I’ve found that my happiness for these things has been fleeting; fleeting and easily replaced by the [next big goal] to secure.
For so long, I’d conditioned myself to see stagnation as the opposite of success and because of that, I lost reverence for the many small miracles scattered among the tedium… I’d forgotten that life is not about work or money.. not about promotions or stackin’ dough.. not about keeping up with the Jones’..
Life is the warm glow of summer sun on your skin, the whip of wind at your back, or the prick of goosebumps from your lover’s breath on your neck.. Life is relinquishing vanity and recognizing the humility in our mere humanity.. Life is perception of all things whole and beautiful and delicately interconnected..
I want, more than anything, to turn my back on this lifestyle that’s been created for me and start living a raw, unfiltered, agenda-free life of my own. I want to embrace spontaneity and revel in the glory of uncertainty. I want to be uninhibited by right and ritual; unrestricted by borders, barriers, and boundaries; unrestrained by monetary debt… I want freedom. I want the freedom I can’t find in the commute to a computer or lukewarm cups of cheap coffee. So badly, I want to break at the chains incarcerating me to this cube and whip that ball at the end back at ’em.
The ball weighing me to this station in life is awfully heavy though.. At times, I fear I’m lacking the strength to break free, but I know in the depths of my soul that one day (soon) my state of perplexity will be coming to you from some fabulous foreign shore where I will not be wondering why my life isn’t the way it should be, but instead how I could ever let it stay that way for so long…
© Taylor Hansen, August 2013
(Feedback on my writing would be so appreciated! Thanks so much for taking the time to read! Bless you all <3)